Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Buried Under Expectations

Life is not fun right now. I know we all have various ups and downs, but I am completely exhausted and frustrated. My work is draining my soul and sucking the life right out from me. It also doesn't help that I internalize the stress and it has caused many sleepless nights that translate into zombie like days. This cycle must stop.

I truly do I like my job and I don't mind the various demands being placed on me, but I have no balance. NONE! I am normally happy to be a working mom, but lately I have been spending more time working than being mom. With my husband out of work, I am thankful for my job and I am keenly aware of my family responsibilities. I happily accept them, but I worry about the impact this is having on my sweet kids. They are getting the leftovers of their mom right now and I want to give them so much more. A good friend reminded me that this is short stint in their lives and they will not suffer irreparable harm by me putting in extra hours and being a little more agitated than usual. It cuts deep though when you precious girl says, "Don't be a mean mom."

I need a break. I need to relax. I need to laugh. I need a date night with my husband.

For these reasons and many more, I am thankful we decided not to have an actual birthday party for Ella. Instead of spending Saturday preparing to entertain guests, I will be spending some much needed quality time with my daughter and son. I have loved having parties for her. This year, it seemed so important to just focus on Ella and to give her the best of me. i am hoping by Saturday I can find that part of me.

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